The SKIER Guide to Ski Hill Access Roads

Ski hills are really bad at many things; serving palpable food, grooming, keeping the sport alive whatsoever. But the one thing they may do worse than anything else is building and maintaining access roads to their resorts. In general, the path to the ski hill is off-camber, rutted, icy and often pocked with potholes regardless of whether it’s pavement or pea gravel. From the gravel-topped, barrier-free roads of Treble Cone to the serpentine switchbacks of Portillo, all across the globe access roads are about as safe as asking Michael Jackson for a doctor’s reference. In the interest of your safety, we’ve compiled a few tips on how to pull the most difficult maneuver at the ski resort: getting there. – Mike Berard

1. Rubber Matters – Everyone knows safety comes first, but comfort is a close second, so don’t go buying over-priced winter tires with the naïve hope of sticking to the road. “All Seasons” mean just that. Instead of driving awesome in one season (winter), save some cash for a nice stereo and drive mediocre in all four. Don’t even think about driving with chains unless you want to take all the fun out of it.
2. Stick to the Dodgy Side of the Road – Every ski hill in the world is overrun with Australians and Kiwis—you may as well follow their lead—drive on the left side of the road (or at least right dead in the middle) and discover the benefits; traffic instinctually pulls over to get out of your way, you avoid gravel and mud on your windshield and the view is way better.
3. Passing Time – One of the most frustrating parts of driving to the hill is the long caravans of vehicles held up by one doucebag with no idea how to drive in winter and/or no balls. Never let an opportunity to pass slide by; take chances, push your luck and, most importantly, never leave a hairpin unused—it may have the least visibility but it’s the shortest distance.
4. Aggressive drivers finish first – You know that old idea that defensive driving saves lives? It’s bullshit. You trust all those other assholes on the road and you’re bound to wind up in the ditch with a minivan-load of Japanese tourists on top of you. Take control by tailgating with ferocity and using a Montrealer’s worth of “hand-signals” and horn-honking. If you don’t tell them how much they suck, no one else will.